This is a story of self discovery, freedom of expression, passion and responsibility. Based on real events and characters, it takes shape of an irregular diary, a collection of small independent stories. Featuring BDSM lifestyle, some may consider it to be NSFW, however it is but a day in my life. Certainly 18+ though! So do not proceed if you’re not of age or maturity.
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List of stories in this series.
Munch - Soft Dominance
I host a bi-weekly munch in virtual reality where we discuss specific topics with an opening presentation from the host - me. This is that presentation that the attendee can refer back to.
I’m a soft domme, here is my perspective on this topic.
What is Soft Dominance?
Soft dominance is a highly subjective term. Typical idea of dominance is that of cold and harsh treatment, we will call this “hard” dominance to better distinguish these styles. Soft dominance would then be warm and inherently non-violent. However soft dominance is not just honeyed words. It’s using words, tone, body language and other forms of non-verbal communication to achieve connection, to inspire and coax obedience as opposed to commanding or demanding it. To achieve submission without the need to be aggressive. A soft dom/me will treat the submissive with respect, without humiliation. They radiate power, but don’t have to exercise it, they don’t have to yell. They exercise rather excessive amount of patience with a brat. When pain is involved it’s meant to compliment the above, as opposed to pushing submissive’s limits. A soft dom/me will not stand above you to intimidate you, they will sit back patiently and wait for you to crawl under their feet and beg for attention once you realise your own mistakes.
A submissive feels guided and feels like they just want to fall underneath the dominant, they want to submit - they’re not commanded to do it though. Submissive spends much more time in sub-space as opposed to hard dominance. A good soft domme is the best owner for a new, insecure, or previously abused submissive.
Soft Dominant should:
- Be patient to let the submissive progress at their own pace instead of pushing the submissive to satisfy their own desires.
- Control their own desires to prioritise the growth of the submissive.
- Be mindful of the submissive and what troubles them. Be able to read the non verbal clues in the behaviour of the submissive.
- Gain insight and knowledge of the submissive to know what triggers can sever the connection, that can pull them out of the sub space. And on the other hand, what can incite further connection and excitement.
- Show a great deal of care to further incite the feeling of safety.
- Use calm but stern speech, use the eye contact, body language, “the dom look” and so on.
Soft dominance is inherently more difficult as it requires patience and self-control, mindfulness and empathy, insight and knowledge to know your submissive in depth.
Use your empathy, build connection and devotion, gain trust. Use these skills and your deep knowledge of the submissive to know when to do what, or what to not do. When to hunt them down, pin them against the wall, bite them, slam them against the floor and whip them. When to show them kindness instead, when to comfort them, show that making mistakes is okay. Guide them without punishment to repairing the damage they caused.
For example I as a primal often want to jump at my prey, but I choose not to because I see that they’re not in the right state of mind to enjoy that at the time. Instead I will offer a hug, a stroke and a headpat, to soothe their pain for the mistake they made, because I know it genuinely hurts them.
Funishment vs Punishment
Funishment is something that the submissive enjoys. It is to be used when you’re not trying to correct any bad behaviour, since it could encourage it instead. Silly and playful excuses can be found easily.
Punishment is something that they genuinely dislike, but it does not violate their limits, their consent.
For a punishment to be effective it has to be proportional to the “crime,” it has to be painful, whether physically or mentally - you need to identify what is their true point of pain, what makes them suffer. Further it has to be within their limits and consent. Most importantly, the submissive has to understand what they’ve done wrong and wish to learn from it.
Examples of “soft” punishments:
- Deny things they like, snacks or drinks, deny comfort such as sleeping without a pillow, deny freedom.
- Deny some other privileges like mobile phone.
- Make them eat only cold food, or food they dislike.
- Offer a warm embrace while telling them off, with a stroke and headpat.
- Order them to write a letter of apology. They better make it good, right?
- Disgusting chores - scrubbing the toilet with a tooth brush?
- Denying attention. Loss of the attention of the dominant, being unable to spend time with ones dominant… Careful to not cross into neglect.
One of the most important tools in the soft dom/me’s repertoire is positive reinforcement, rewards for good deeds. They will encourage growth in the desired areas to reach the desired goals through positive reinforcement.
Examples of positive reinforcement:
- Activities they enjoy - this is often in dominants company. Such as walkies or maybe go see a movie together, perhaps in a cinema. Or you can give them a bath ball and tell them to relax for a bit. Whatever they truly enjoy.
- Snacks or drinks as a reward, other kinds of small and playful things.