This is a story of self discovery, freedom of expression, passion and responsibility. Based on real events and characters, it takes shape of an irregular diary, a collection of small independent stories. Featuring BDSM lifestyle, some may consider it to be NSFW, however it is but a day in my life. Certainly 18+ though! So do not proceed if you’re not of age or maturity.
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List of stories in this series.
Self discovery, freedom of expression and acceptance by others.
This is my story of discovering my true self There are three major changes that I made in my life, changes that that wouldn’t be very obvious at a glance. These are, however, changes that makes life worth living. In one way or another, I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t in the past. For the sake of the people around me - especially my partners. I’m gonna split this into 3 distinct aspects, things that I came to realise around early 2020.
Let’s start with my long past. I had 3 serious partners before, all male. And while I really couldn’t care less about what’s between their legs (more on that later,) I do care about my partners’ emotional and behavioural patterns. And as it turns out, girls are different. (And lest you wonder, girls who were not born as girls are the same as those that were.) I want my partner to be all silly, cute and clingy. Generally speaking men have hard time letting go and being childish. Especially so in public. I want my partner to grab onto me and refuse to let go, to be playful and demand my attention, and to cry with me when we watch movies. These differences are partially caused by hormones, and partially by the pressure of society stereotypes which nobody really realises. But as a result, I simply prefer girls. I mean… clingy pets.
I also came to realise that me being bossy in my relationships isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Instead it’s just me being me. A dominant. That there is this thing called “lifestyle bdsm.” In other words I like having my relationship based on dominant/submissive dynamic, very much so 24/7 (with some exceptions, there are serious situations where that really doesn’t work…) Essentially I really enjoy playing with my partner like a pet, but not in bed like most people would immediately conclude from the words “bdsm.” At all times, it isn’t sexual for me. What exactly that is, is of course regularly discussed, agreed on and with consent from both sides. My partner enjoys the same things I do, but from the submissive perspective. Let me give you a few examples: I’m called mistress at all times, my pet asks for permission to eat snacks, drink coke, etc. Should they do something improper or say no to a command, they risk being punished. I might slam them against the wall/sofa/table/… Or I’ll go and get one of my whips for a bit more direct punishment. It’s kind of a game, but also serious at the same time. To the outsider it may look like violence, however the amount of pain is my hands. Everything can be done with or without pain, or just the right amount of pain that they would enjoy. I can do it safely without any harm. It’s about inciting emotions, not as much about hurting the person I love. I also like to see fear in their eyes. I’m unpredictable, you never know what I’ll do next. (And my partner likes that.)
Then there is the whole sexual aspect to a relationship. I openly say that I’m an asexual, but it’s never black and white. I’m a case of a demisexual but closer to full asexual in that I’m seriously disgusted by intercourse, genitalia, etc. But I don’t mind touching or being touched in the other places like bum/legs/booba… And I do like using toys. (For example I have various Lovense toys. Favourite one is Domi - cause I can mess with my partner with it as well as with myself.) Simply put, I sure know how to have fun in the bedroom. I’m a real life dominatrix after all. Where is the change here? Well, let’s just say that with my previous partners I’ve let things go further than I was comfortable with. I won’t do that again.
The message I’m trying to send here is that all of the above is okay. It’s okay to be the way I truly feel in all three aspects. And it should also be okay to be myself around my friends - those that I truly value accept me the way I am. I can even treat those that are okay with it as my little pets - within reasonable limits of friendship to not hurt them, myself, or my partner (we are not poly.) What do I require or ask of my real friends? Simply accept me for who I am and don’t judge me. I won’t judge their kinks and quirks either. Loyalty, be there when I need them and not only taking advantage of my endless support. Mind you I still don’t bother my friends with my problems. I’m the problem solver type. It’s also especially nice to have common interests. Clearly my friends are into gaming and VR, and vast majority is into BDSM in one way or another. I so love talking about that :) I also tease my dominant friends about owning them too *evul grin*